To a dear Friend

If I could travel back in time,

and tell (the younger) me

that you exist.

 

From all the letters,

I never sent…

adressed to

an imaginary friend.

 

You would’ve enough words by now

To built a house out of.

 

and If doors could talk and windows could weep,

they would cry you a song and it will echo from every corner,

I would’ve have been a better person

had I known you sooner.

An apology for being home sick.

This is not just a letter

nor just a poem

or a blog post.

This is an apology.

Neatly written,

re-written,

edited and revised tens of times,

till I could feel the words etched in my bone.

 

This is an apology

for being locked up,

for not being happy,

for not accepting,

for making this place a battle field,

when it should have been;

a home.

 

…away from home

but still… a home.

 

This is for mom,

I can never say this to you in person

so writing it down seems right.

I am sorry.

for calling at midnight and crying over phone,

for believing that being stoned would make the pain go away.

I was wrong

and I am sorry.

I am learning be strong,

to cook,

to not be afraid to run from,

for,

with.

to keep my door open

and the lights on

for all the new possibilities.

 

And each time you think of me,

Know that I think of you too.

And every night when I close my eyes in prayers

I come home to you.

To the Axe

tree

Remember,

I am a tree.

I was created to reach for the sky,

with my roots still in the ground.

to stand tall, yet generous.

I am a mother

I create life

I help you breathe.

 

Remember,

I am not a last resort.

I am a home,

a harbor

a heart

I was built to save

to liberate

to forgive …but not forget.

 

I don’t forget. I never forget.. but you do.

Remember.

 

 

Sumishi

photo credit

Baba; this one is for you

If you are a star now,

I will stay late till night to talk with you.

you still sing me lullaby,

like you did when your hands were still warm.

It’s only that, now it take a bit longer for me

to

fall

asleep.

It’s a cold winter night.

Yet, I lay here watching you,

hoping you’ll fall,

so that I can make a wish,

for you to not be up there

but here with me,

watching the stars.

IMG_2313

Limbs

I fell in love with your hands with the fist hello
the way they reached out to mine
strong yet gentle, your hands as they held mine,
I feel in love with your feet when they accompanied my toes.. step by step, side by side, along the dusty gravel roads and when I tripped on the empty spaces of the four chambers and a beating drum inside my chest, I was feeling blue..
your arms carried me home and I fell in love with it too
your legs never complained no matter how many times they had to run around to reach me
and your face never frowned, you’d smile and you’d teach me
and your spines gave me all the warmth it could… Every way possible, it would!

As I was waiting so desperately for a call that said you are fine.. I got a message that read, you are back from the war with more than just scars…
my pillow
my tissue,
my swing.. your arms..they are important but not as much as your beating heart
with no limbs and barely any face.
Darling, I love you still as much.

Day 18 NaPoWriMo

This is for all outcasts.

For all the girls trying to fit in

for all the guys trying to be better, look better feel better.

All those who are trying run even before learning to walk. Just to be called “NORMAL”

This is for all the forgotten ones,
like they were never there, like it didn’t matter even if they were there.

This is for all those who soak up their tear because mom would feel bad to see them cry. She know that you tried.

For all those waiting on a call, hoping someone noticed that they are gone. or maybe some who would listen to them when things are wrong.

I know what it feels like to be invisible. I’ve been there.

But darling, you are original.

and don’t you dare let them tell you are no good.
You are the best form You, and no one can be any better at being you than you.

So cut off the thread that tags you “Typical”.

Forget the one who forgot you.

You don’t have to fit it! I know the world won’t understand.
Just don’t forget to take your stand
and rise tall  with your hand in the air and your head band.
YOU ARE SPECIAL.

 and babe, I see you even with your “cloak of invisibility’ on and I can tell you, with you there is nothing wrong.

This is for all of you and all of me.

we are the hopeless,

the strange,

the infinite,

the invincible.

Day 12 NaPoWriMo

My love never wrote me a poem(though I always
wish he did),
Roses were never red and violets were never blue
Nothing ever rhymed with me and you
No letters were posted
no flowers reached my door
all day I longed for a romantic date
or just maybe a text message that said “forever
more”?…. Instead we watched “Inception” on our first
date
throughout the 2 and a half hour of “what happened?”
Nothing actually did happen.
No, he didn’t even hold my hand…

and how can coffee not be romantic?
oh.. I know how! cause my love told me how its
made.
Did you know, latte is prepared with around ⅓
espresso and ⅔ steamed milk, with an added layer
of foamed milk approximately 0.5–1 cm thick on
the top ?
I didn’t either. But love does.
Loves knows a lot of things That I don’t fancy
much.

He never reads my blog.
he never compliments on the dress I wear.
“The boy who lived”, hmm isn’t he they kid with white hair? love asks *sigh*
Love DOES NOT READ MY FAVORITE AUTHOR’S BOOK!
and Love makes me so very mad at times.But love isn’t all that bad as I am making him sound.

Love gifts me notebooks and reads about coffees because he know how much I love to write on our coffee dates.
love never complain when I take forever to get dressed.
Love sits there silently by my side as I read for hours.
Did you know “Expecto Patronum” in Latin means “I await a guardian’?
me neither, until love taught me to learn about things I like. Love is my Patronum.
Love always apologies when he needs to and calms me down when he must.
Love respects me. He still take me to movies and doesn’t hold my hand. But he buys me flowers every now and then. Not roses but red ones with blue ribbon on it and a note that says “I love you”.
Love never forgets a good morning and a goodnight call. But the best one is, love loves me through it all, each day a bit more even with all these differentiating score.
For me it’s a poem more beautiful than the creation itself.

 

IMG-20130426-WA00000001

Sewer Walking

 

You and me, we used to talk

Like a river underground, the sewer where we used to walk.

The hole at the end empties out to the pier

Where paper boats disappear

Me, I try to send this note,

Float it like a paper boat,

But paper sinks and words are weak.

I try but I don’t speak

Join together in the silent snow

Turn our faces up to see

Not endless night, but day

A pier And you and me, talking.

 

-Joan of Arcadia

Words you never say to the one who is leaving.

I don’t even know how to begin this. Should I start by saying how much you mean to me and I am so glad you are getting to live your dream and how happy I am for you or Shall tell you the truth and start off with “ Please Don’t go”. Honestly I don’t even know why am I so confused about biding you farewell.   It would have been a lot more easier to fake that smile and tell you that I’ll miss you and we shall be in touch and we will forever be friends and stuffs like that. However, till the very last minute, I am debating to tell you how much I hate the fact you are leaving. I know you will never understand what it’s like for me to watch you leave. Even if you believe you know enough, still I stand that you don’t even know a quarter of it.

I really wish I could tell you how I am feeling right now. You know when you were packing and were telling me about the thing you will do and the places you’ll  go and people you’ll  meet, I was wishing that you would just shut up. I didn’t want to hear any of those things, for I would not be there with you. Those things you said made me sick to my stomach and I wanted to puke all over your baggage. Trust me, I really wanted that.

And the thing you told me about how much you’ll miss me and “I always want you to be happy”. I mean, REALLY!?  You were throwing the word “be happy” like it is SO EASY. I don’t even like 2% of the people at our college. How do you expect me to be happy?

I know, you are going to hit me with some weird and pathetic and really really really sad goodbye before you get on that open road,but I really wish you’d just skip that part. You know that I really hate goodbyes. And when you’ll hug me and start to cry, I will be choking, trying not to let the tears flood from my eyes. I am already weak at my knees thinking about you leaving. I really wish it was not this hard. I am feeling really helpless, for I know there is nothing I can do or say to make you stay. More than ever, the clock seems to be moving at the speed of light. I really wish I could somehow make the time freeze…

But what’s the point, you are going to leave anyways. I really want you to not leave but I won’t ever tell you what I want so bad to say. I am aware that things are finally falling in place for you but I’m sure as hell, I am going to miss you. It’s all just too overwhelming for me. I could go on & on. But that’s basically it.

( To Sammy)

Once upon a Poem…

One day during our Nepali class. My teacher was telling about life after death and stuffs. My head was in the game and a movie started playing in my mind. I was imagining what if one day I die, all of a sudden. I knew people would cry a lot and miss me too. But eventually everyone is going to forget me once i’m dead. depending on the time and my role in their lives. I will fade from their memories one day. So was the poem born.

रोकिन्छ भने मेरो सास छिट्टै
रहन्छ मेर सबै स्वप्न रित्तै,

साँझ को हावा बन्नी तिमीलाई छुने छु,
कही कतै म पनि रुने छु ।

बेहोस हुन्छिन होली मेरी आम
रोइ-करै घरको कुनामा,

घाँटी कोकाइ, आँसु लुकाई,
बस्छन बुवा मेर सब्लाई सम्झै ।

कुरा गर्द हुन्, मेर साथी-संगी,
सुन्छु म तिनलाई बसी बादल माथि,
श्रवाने झरी झै आँसु बगौला,
तस्बिर मेरो के सधै सजाउलान?

ति हाँसो, ति दिन, सबै भुलाई,
सोचे होलान, गए मा आचानक बिलाई,
तब सुस्केरा बनि तिमीलाई गीत सुनाउछु,
तीमी हास्दा मा पनि रमाउछु ,

मेरो माया,  मेरो साथ ,
शायद रहदैन एकदिन कसैलाई याद,
तस्बिर मेरो सबै हराएछन् क्यारे,
सम्झनामा बग्नी आँसु रोकिएछन् क्यारे,
केही दिन, केही हप्ता, केही महिना, केही साल,
बन्छ मेरो अस्स्तित्व मात्र एक “काल” ,

तिम्रो सम्झना बाट जुन्दिन झरनीछु,
वास्तब मा तेही दिन मा मर्निछु

Picture by a friend. Thank you Regina.

P.S: The poem is dedicated to my Grandparents.

Dear Baba and Aama,

Wherever you are, I hope you are look at me and smiling. I miss you guys so very much and I love you the most. I miss you, I miss you a lot. I will always remember you Guys and that’s how I’ll keep you alive. I love you forevermore.